Clouded Judgement
by katherinebrittin
Summary: Just a little story about Maura Isles and her past. *I apologise now, it isn't very good. The character isn't very strong and for the moment it is lacking something.*
1. Chapter 1

_My name is Maura Dorothea Isles; I'm the Commonwealth of Massachusetts' Chief Medical Examiner. I would say I'm quite a successful person, with all that I have achieved. I wouldn't always consider that a good thing. _

_It's funny, I smiled today and it felt wonderful because today it was my smile and no one else's. Even though this appears to be a good thing, I'm going through a bit of a 'blur' time at the moment. I'm actually frightened that at one point the stuff that I'm putting off will hit me and I'm not sure how I will react, I'm trying to prepare myself for something I cannot prepare for. It will just happen how and when it pleases. There is reason that I'm like this. I escaped in one way and I ran away in another. It saddens me when I lose touch of the things that mean the most to me, so I like to remind myself now and again in my own special way, before I go falling for any other nonsense that I'm away from. Have you ever had so much going on in your head that you suddenly stop and can't feel any more? Every good thing seems to neutralise every bad thing which leaves you feeling, well, nothing._

_There are some things that I don't tell people, they don't need to know everything that has happened to me in my life. I do understand that if I don't tell people anything about me then it is highly unlikely that I will gain any friends. I'm the new person; no one likes the new person. When I found out myself what had happened to me I tried to just get on with my life, it seemed to have worked in the past but I suppose I'm just tired of being lonely. I've tried to explain to people all the negatives about what happened, but they don't really listen to me and I don't know why. They must think I'm lying when I say it's the worst thing to have happened to me, I guess they just don't understand and I can't really blame them, a lot of people say they would do anything to be adopted, to not have their parents because they embarrass them or they just get in the way. Well if I am going to be completely honest I would take that any day over being constantly lonely. It is human nature for people to be able to lie, it's seems to be in there genes to do so, although I cannot officially say that as there is not any scientific knowledge whether is it true or just my assumption. Unfortunately I do not have that ability. I was never really in any situation to have to lie; I didn't have anyone around me to. I am an only child; I had my surrounding world at my finger tips, as at least that's what people believe an only child to be like. I didn't have to share my time with anyone else, I had no real friends when I was growing up and my mother and father weren't always around for me to talk to, so when it came to lying, I suppose it was unnecessary for me to do so, it's not like anyone would have listened to me. I'm not trying to make out that I didn't have anyone. I had my adoptive parents, and it's not that they didn't love me. They just never have time for me. It was easier to be quiet and get on with things then make a scene. I had this want to be noticed but I never had the drive to do anything about it. _


	2. Chapter 2

_My birthday is August 7, 1976. Some years for my birthday my parents would throw me a big birthday party or we would go out for an evening meal, this didn't happen often, they usually forgot or they were in Paris or Rome or Sweden or England. They just didn't have the time for me._

_I was a weird child, but I always wanted to be normal. I want to be able to blend into the background and not be noticed. Life would have been hell of a lot easier and much quieter. I'm not one to want attention, I get embarrassed when someone makes an effort to talk to me, there are so many better people to talk to that I don't understand why they would even want to talk to me. I get awkward in a lot of situations. I hide the fact that I have low self-esteem and almost zero confidence. It may not come off that way. It may come off the complete opposite which scares me sometimes. As I was growing up my parent's friends would be telling them that they should be proud to have a daughter like me. It's not that they weren't proud of me; they just didn't know how to show or what to do. I think because I was alone all time I would just read the books in my house, once I had read all of my books I moved onto my father's books. They always used to interest me. _  
_I only really have one friend; her name is Jane, Jane Rizzoli. She's not really what you would expect, but saying that I love her regardless of things that happen. We didn't start off in a good way; she was always a little sceptical about me. She kept her distance until she really needed my help. I can be awkward around the opposite sex; I'm not very good at talking to them. I envy Jane when it comes to this; it all comes so naturally to her. I just end up giving them diagnoses about things that I notice about them. Jane says it's because I brutally honest with people, as I said before, I have an incapability of lying._

_You know, some days just feel like nothing's happening. It feels sort of lifeless, if that makes any sense. It's as if the world is just standing still and time is just passing at a snail's pace. I may be exaggerating slightly but that's what it feels like. I notice it most when I am alone, sitting alone and just thinking. I know it really is a load of nonsense as time can't just slow down for one person and speed up for another, its physically impossible to achieve. I've found it difficult to get my head around this. It just seems that it happens that way. Hours on end thinking about my day, how things could have been better and I could have done things differently which now I cannot change at all. I worry over the most stupid things which cause me more damage than good. I don't see why I always have to explain myself, surely if people know what I'm like you will know how difficult it is for me to articulate what I want to say. Why is it so important for them to know how I feel? _

_You have no need to be concerned. You just stick to your amazing happy life with your amazing friends and all of their amazing lives and just let me get on with mine, please. I will just sit in the corner and be invisible. I don't mind being invisible, I like watching people around me and seeing how they behave. I like to be quite so I can listen to what is happening. Many people mistake my quietness for sadness, which in all honesty makes me worse. _


	3. Chapter 3

_I never really knew Maura that well to begin with; I remember her being introduced to us all. She trailed behind everyone, we were expecting her to go into the other lift but she just stuck to us. Once we reached the office she walked in and Korsak made the announcement. "Everyone, this is the new Chief Medical Examiner, Dr Maura Isles." he looked at me once she said hello and left the room. "Be nice to her, it isn't easy starting in a new place." I never did understand why he said that to me, I'm not that much of a horrible person. Frankie had only recently joined but I guess that is different because he's family, I would look after him._

_Our first case together was I suppose you could say, interesting. We had never properly spoken to each other, or really seen each other around. She would arrive way before I had even gotten out of bed. Once I got to know Maura she wasn't what I was used to, "this reddish brown stain" which was obviously blood. She has a tendency to go a little 'Google' on us sometimes, I have to remind her not everyone went to college and got their degree. With this being said I still wouldn't want to change her in any way. She's my Maura Isles, the one that I know and love. _

_If I am going to be completely honest about Maura, since she isn't going to hear about this she is my best friend, I would do anything for her. Even though she knows how to rub me up the wrong way sometimes I can't picture my life without her. My ma absolutely loves her, she calls her the second daughter. You see, the problem with Maura is that because she was adopted into a quite dysfunctional, and I mean that in the nicest way, when she came into the Rizzoli household it was shock for her. She once said to me "How do you put up with being with family all the time? Do you not get space from them? Do they not go away for weekend trips and leave you alone?" I think she soon caught on. Her family was different from most; she was an only child to parents who adopted her at a few days old. They love her, of course they do, they just aren't the best at showing her. That is all she wants. _

_One day we both had it off, we decided that we would each make the other person do what they wanted to do. Maura took me to this place to have a bath in mud, "it's not mud, its clay" she would say to me when I complained to her. I don't care what she said, I was bathing in some stuff, that pigs and hippos lay in. Once I got used to it though, I did love it. I made her promise that next time she sees blood to call it blood and the "this reddish brown stain". That's what I make her do whenever we have to do something for each other. _

_She's the sister I never had. Whenever I have a problem she is always there for me, she listens and she gives the best advice, that could be because she can't lie, she breaks out in hives if she does. At first this was a weird thing to come across, I always thought she was being rude just because she could get away with it because she used her clever language to cover the insult, it soon learnt that it's just the way she is. _

_We are complete opposites. She turns up to work every day in a new outfit looking like she could walk down a runway, if you saw her out in the street you wouldn't think she spent so much time with the dead. _

_Det. Jane Rizzoli._


	4. Chapter 4

_I remember the day Jane introduced me to Dr Maura Isles, I was just happy Jane had herself a friend with a good job. I've always wanted a doctor in the family you see, I've got a Plummer for a husband and two cops for children, theres also Tommy, my other son, but we don't talk about him often. The first time I met Maura was actually when Jane brought her home one evening after they had both had a long busy day at work. They had missed dinner for the evening but in the Rizzoli household there is always enough left overs. _

_Frank was in bed as he usually goes to be early because he wakes up early. Jane opened the door "Ma, I've brought a friend for you to meet. The one I've told you about." I went out of the kitchen to by the front door. In walked this elegant, sophisticated, well dressed woman and standing next to her was my daughter who didn't look as well together as Maura did. "Hello Mrs Rizzoli, my name is Maura Isles." She smiled at me and stuck her hand out. "Hello Maura, you can call me Angela. I would introduce you to my husband but he's in bed. He's got to be up early in the morning…" Jane interrupted me "that's enough Ma. She doesn't need to know everything."_

_They went and sat down. Jane just sat down put her feet up "Ma, could you get me a beer? Maura do you want one?" _

_She is always so polite and nice to everyone. Evening when she was turning down a beer she was lovely. I took the beer into Jane and offered Maura one. "No thank you Angela. Like your husband I have to be up early and go to work." She gave such a warming smile. I asked her if she wanted anything to drink, she only wanted a glass of water. _

_Once the food was ready I took a plate into each of them, Maura was rather shocked I would say. Jane said she was used to eating 'high end' food. Our food must have been a bit of a step down for her. I watched her as she took her first bite, her face lit up. "Angela, this is really good. Thank you very much for making it. It's nice home cooked food." Again, she smiled at me. I could tell Jane was getting annoyed at the attention I was giving Maura. Once they had both finished eating Jane took Maura's plate to the kitchen where I was standing by the sink. "Cool it down" I had no idea what she was talking about. She then explained. "Stop hovering over Maura. She's not a child, she can eat without being watched." _

_Once I finished washing up I went and joined the girls. I asked if they minded me sitting with them, Jane was about to say no but Maura stepped in. "Of course you can. I want to know my friends family." Jane gave her a little look and smiled, Maura had touched a nerve. _

_We stayed and talked for a while, Maura tried to tell me what she does at work. I say tried because I didn't really understand what she does, all I go from what she said is that she cuts dead bodies open and tried to work out cause of death. _

_Maura is such a lovely woman. I'm happy Jane has got herself a mature friend that will look out for her. Maura cares for Jane, she cares more then anyone else at work and that is all I can ask for. Even the way Maura left was different from anyone Jane had brought home. "Thank you for the warming hospitality Angela, we should do this again but next time you should let me cook for you. To say thank you for what have done for me tonight on such short notice." She got up, straightened her skirt and shook my hand. Then she went to the front door and went to her car. She opened the trunk of her car and put her bag in it. She turned and waved goodbye and got in and drove away. _

_I think I'm going to like Maura in the family. Jane always talks so fondly of Maura. She does say that she can sometimes be annoying with the constant use of "sciency talk" and her rationality about everything. I wouldn't be ashamed to have her as my daughter. Jane said she doesn't see her own family often because they are travel a lot. Maura spends most evenings alone, at least that's what Jane said. I'm sure Maura has more friends, she must do. Nice people have a lot of friends. _


	5. Chapter 5

_I suppose you could say that the relationship I had with my adoptive mother was some what complicated. It's not that we didn't get on, we just never saw each other and when we did she would have her phone on her just incase someone wanted to talk to her. Occasionally, well maybe twice whilst I was growing up I got to spend time with her properly. One of those days was Christmas Day, she usually would work. Once she was over in Australia with my father, I got to stay with the nanny that my parents hired. The other time was one day when I had time out of boarding school. It was the end of the year and I got home and she was there. _

_People say parents feel guilty for leaving there children by themselves to when they get to spend time with them they over indulge them with gifts and time and love. My parents were different, they would go away for weeks at a time for work with little notice. They would give the nanny money for the time that they were away to make sure I had all the things I needed. When they did come back they would only be back for a few days before they went off again. At the time I thought it was a normal thing to happen, I thought it was like that with everyone, it wasn't until I was about 9 or 10 that I began to notice that the parents of the people at school didn't go away often. Once I realised I thought the most sensible thing to do would go to boarding school, then that would have been a way to detach myself from them. _

_I didn't really know my father to well, he was successful, as was my mother. They both came from a wealthy background but there was something about my father, we hardly spoke and when we did it was never about much, just general affairs happening around the world. He would pay no interest in anything that was happening to me, nor would he talk about his work. I was used to being around them, I knew what I should and shouldn't do when I was with them. I remember they used to take me all over Europe and places over summer, as nice as that sounds they would still be doing work. If they knew there was going to be a business meeting somewhere they would find a place to stay, fly us all out. They would go and I would be left with some sort of child care. _

_I was 8 when I found out I was adopted. My parents never kept it a secret from me, they were quite open in how they told me. You would expect it to be a sensitive topic for most people to handle. I always suspected something, there was always this separation, at least that's what it felt like, between us all. My mother and father got on perfectly fine. They just never really tried with me, then again I don't think they really knew how. I do love them, of course I do. I just sometimes wish things were different between us and that their work didn't get in the way of anything. I wish they made the time for me when I was growing up so they would know me better now. _

_I haven't seen my father in 4 years. _


End file.
